No, I have not jettisoned all the progress.
A year ago, yesterday, I wrote this:
The Brutality of Kindness
Talk to me, like lovers do
Walk with me, like lovers do
Sleep with her, like lovers do
Leave me outside, like masters do
Look at me, like lovers do
Listen to me, like lovers do
Embrace with her, like lovers do
Feel sorry for me, like masters do
I am the fat, old, shambling dog
Walking loyally at your heels
She is the lithe, young, graceful mate
Standing proudly beside you
DeNile is a river of hope
I am over my head and drowning slowly
Be a real friend and cut off my legs
Turns out the man was a real friend and was kind enough to cut off my legs. This was actually very cool, (although it was a little uncomfortable at the time), because I found out I can swim just fine even with no legs. I even managed to climb on out of the river of DeNile. -- I hope!
Yup, I got better.
I'm still in love with him but its much different. Maybe more like a deep and abiding respect and affection rather than love, what ever the hell love is. I'll probably love him forever, but he isn't the only one I will love forever and may not even be the last.
It may sound bitter but my tone was sincerely realistic when I recently described my situation like this:
"I'm head over heals in live-die-and-kill-for-love with a guy who is in happily-ever-after-love with the woman of his dreams."
A friend of mine thinks I'm suffering because I am alone and in love with a man who will never love me. He's wrong.
I am alone but seldom lonely. Many people in relationships are also sometimes lonely. It's life.
The man I love is happy with his life the way it is and that makes me happy. It gives me joy to know that he is loved and appreciated the way he should be, the way he deserves, even if it isn't me loving him.
If someone comes into my life that moves me and makes me want to love again, I will. I won't settle for someone I don't want to be with just to avoid loneliness.
What ever life holds for me I will embrace and enjoy to the fullest of my ability, whether it be alone or with a partner.
If nothing else, I've learned that wishing for what I cannot have and probably isn't even real is a sure way to bring me down. That would be a waste of fun times. Better to enjoy my life as it is, than to wish it were something else. Makes it easier to endure the lonely times that are sure to come every now and then.
§hria, at
Mon Feb 13, 05:58:00 p.m.