Dreams
My thinking is overly rational right now. Can you help me feel it out?
I hear a knock at the front door. As I walk by the dog, he wags his tail but doesn't get off the sofa. The sun seems to be rising or clouds clearing because the light from outside becomes brighter as I approach the door.
Looking through the window on the door, (the blinds are up, leaving the window open), I see the bench, and the two bushes on my front lawn are in bloom. There is no one at the door but a flicker of movement to the right of the white lilac bush in the middle of the yard. I open the door and look in that direction and see a large fawn, just losing his spots and he is backing shyly away from the front steps.
In aggravation I close the door and there is another knock, more insistent.
Again the fawn is backing away and I close the door and for the third time there is a louder, more insistent knock at the door. I awake as my hand touches the doorknob and my last thought in the dream is to yell at the fawn and tell it to go away though I wake before I can enact that thought.
- About Me
- Blogger Profile
- Where I Live
- Where I Work
- Other Blogs
- The Goode Childe's Book of Faerie Tales
- Jay Case
- Better Than Crabs
- Kozak.com
- Rabsteen
- The Queen of Light and Joy
- Freak Girl Spew
- Digital Jason
- The Blog of Hohman
- The Les Becker Blog
- The BATHRooM WALL
- Absentminded One's Reality
- Spontaneous Pagan Mayhem
- Local Music
- Startlefish
- BigSuit
- Chris Belsito
- IT
- Mocombo
- Memory Bank
- Gates of Winter
- Fitswitch
- The Crossed
- Inner City Surfers
- Other Sites
- Murderfly Multimedia
- Lop lops Gallery and Lounge
- Down Beat Lounge
- Sault Ste. Marie Pagan Association
- Wiccan Church of Canada
- Pagan Federation of Canada
- Witch's Voice
- Archives
- July 2005
- August 2005
- September 2005
- October 2005
- November 2005
- December 2005
- January 2006
- February 2006
- March 2006
- April 2006
- May 2006
- June 2006
- July 2006
- August 2006
- September 2006
- October 2006
- November 2006
- March 2007
- November 2007
CURRENT MOON
Discovering universal indifference
I have finally determined the depth and breadth of the universe's indifference to me and it is infinite. That is somehow reassuring. It squarely fixes the irrelevance of relating to others in the realm of reality. If there is a divine being, it is utterly unconcerned with my desires.
That is why I love the man I love. He is the embodiment of cold unresponsiveness to me. Regarding me, he is absolutely apathetic and I recognize the universal truth of his attitude toward me.
I wish I could write something clever and romantic like I will hold my love for him before me like a shield to keep the world at bay! or My heart is as a sword, tempered by repeated trials and it will cut anyone who tries to have me. But that would only work if anyone were trying to have me or to get through to me. I have finally gotten what I wanted all along... to be left alone.
It is somewhat peaceful in a distant sort of way. I watch as my body goes through the motions... smile, shake hands, make pleasant small-talk, throw in the occasional personal fact or detail to give the impression that I am something like the warm contact-craving people I meet and talk to. The truth is that I am aware that truth is an illusion and facts are the only things that can be relied upon.
Fact: Love is a myth
Love is a myth and human beings only interact to control one another and the resources necessary for continued life or procreation.
Children appear to love their parents so their parents will provide for and protect them.
Men appear to love women so those men will advance their social standing and/or secure offspring so they can live forever in the genes of their future generations.
Women appear to love men to advance their social standing and/or so that the men will provide a stable and abundant environment for their offspring to thrive in so that they can live forever in the genes of their future generations.
Best evidence of all, our consumerist society proliferates the myth of love so that we will feel a need to buy more cars, smoke cigarettes and go on diets to look a certain way so that we can attract a mate of a higher quality than we are and advance our social standing or produce better offspring who are more likely to survive to breed future generations for us.
We even anthropormophize our animal companions, projecting meaning on their behaviours so that we can interpret those as love in order to protect that myth of love.
Action to arise from realization of that truth:
All that I do in life from this time on is aimed at making me stronger, more capable and more self-reliant. I will never rely upon another human being for any of my basic needs. I will meet my own needs or they will not be met. Relationships breed dependance and dependance is a weakness.
Stress is good for me. I must work until I am exhausted to become a better person (more self-reliant and independent). My performance of all tasks must become more efficient and less hampered by emotion. Correct and efficient action can only arise from pure, simple, thoughts that are untainted by feelings.
Peace, joy and play are unproductive, achieve no goals and are a waste of time. Quality of life is achieved only through accomplishment. I am what I do and nothing else matters. Not even him.
I reflect the indifference of the universe by acting purely for the sake of achieving my next goal as mindlessly and efficiently as possible, unfettered by the complications of sentiment and nostalgia. I am driven by a need to do and devoid of passion or pride. I understand compassion enough to appear to possess it but it is only skin deep.
My card of the day today: Ten of Poetry (Prophecy), when reversed: Being swept away by a feeling of spiritual intervention. Profound existential awe. Bondage to elemental forces and divine will. Predetermination. The burden of prophecy and commitment to serve the greater good. Awakening to the full scope and indifference of the universe
From facade.com
This blog is becoming tiresome and serves no purpose.
I have finally determined the depth and breadth of the universe's indifference to me and it is infinite. That is somehow reassuring. It squarely fixes the irrelevance of relating to others in the realm of reality. If there is a divine being, it is utterly unconcerned with my desires.
That is why I love the man I love. He is the embodiment of cold unresponsiveness to me. Regarding me, he is absolutely apathetic and I recognize the universal truth of his attitude toward me.
I wish I could write something clever and romantic like I will hold my love for him before me like a shield to keep the world at bay! or My heart is as a sword, tempered by repeated trials and it will cut anyone who tries to have me. But that would only work if anyone were trying to have me or to get through to me. I have finally gotten what I wanted all along... to be left alone.
It is somewhat peaceful in a distant sort of way. I watch as my body goes through the motions... smile, shake hands, make pleasant small-talk, throw in the occasional personal fact or detail to give the impression that I am something like the warm contact-craving people I meet and talk to. The truth is that I am aware that truth is an illusion and facts are the only things that can be relied upon.
Fact: Love is a myth
Love is a myth and human beings only interact to control one another and the resources necessary for continued life or procreation.
Children appear to love their parents so their parents will provide for and protect them.
Men appear to love women so those men will advance their social standing and/or secure offspring so they can live forever in the genes of their future generations.
Women appear to love men to advance their social standing and/or so that the men will provide a stable and abundant environment for their offspring to thrive in so that they can live forever in the genes of their future generations.
Best evidence of all, our consumerist society proliferates the myth of love so that we will feel a need to buy more cars, smoke cigarettes and go on diets to look a certain way so that we can attract a mate of a higher quality than we are and advance our social standing or produce better offspring who are more likely to survive to breed future generations for us.
We even anthropormophize our animal companions, projecting meaning on their behaviours so that we can interpret those as love in order to protect that myth of love.
Action to arise from realization of that truth:
All that I do in life from this time on is aimed at making me stronger, more capable and more self-reliant. I will never rely upon another human being for any of my basic needs. I will meet my own needs or they will not be met. Relationships breed dependance and dependance is a weakness.
Stress is good for me. I must work until I am exhausted to become a better person (more self-reliant and independent). My performance of all tasks must become more efficient and less hampered by emotion. Correct and efficient action can only arise from pure, simple, thoughts that are untainted by feelings.
Peace, joy and play are unproductive, achieve no goals and are a waste of time. Quality of life is achieved only through accomplishment. I am what I do and nothing else matters. Not even him.
I reflect the indifference of the universe by acting purely for the sake of achieving my next goal as mindlessly and efficiently as possible, unfettered by the complications of sentiment and nostalgia. I am driven by a need to do and devoid of passion or pride. I understand compassion enough to appear to possess it but it is only skin deep.
My card of the day today: Ten of Poetry (Prophecy), when reversed: Being swept away by a feeling of spiritual intervention. Profound existential awe. Bondage to elemental forces and divine will. Predetermination. The burden of prophecy and commitment to serve the greater good. Awakening to the full scope and indifference of the universe
From facade.com
This blog is becoming tiresome and serves no purpose.
5 things in my fridge.
1. Things that start with 'p'... pita bread, pizza, peppers and 'please don't ask what that is'.
2. Four near-empty bottles of different flavours of Gator Aid.
3. Three different kinds of cheese.
4. Two mysterious yogurt containers full of left-overs that no one is brave enough to open.
5. A box of baking soda that seems to be coming to life.
5 Items in my closet
1. Black t-shirts.
2. Black trousers.
3. Black turtle necks.
4. Black hangers.
5. Black shoes. (I refuse to see anything else that may have found its way to the back of my closet.
5 items in my car (If I had a car to put five items in.)
1. A four CD changer with Garbage, Chris Belsito, Evanescence and Astral Projection in it.
2. A stuffed growling dragon.
3. An eclectic blend of crystals, sweetgrass, eagle feathers and medicine bags.
4. Dirt. A lot of dirt.
5. A yellow happy-face frisbe.
5 items in my purse (My backpack is my choice of late, so I’ll use that)
1. Laptop computer and its plugs and cables.
2. Camera stowed in a winter mitten.
3. Digital recorder.
4. Notebook and pens.
5. Make-up, deoderant and cereal bar.
Mark says I am supposed to tag people but I think I'll just leave it for whom ever wants to play.
–Amendment from Mark–
As Les recently noted in the comment section below, I’ve been rather stingy with the live links - or perhaps it’s that I was being compassionate toward the 4/5 bloggers that actually really hate memes. With that said, the following four people can blame Les for this bout of fun.
The Queen (duh)
Jafer
Radmila
The Green LadyLes, of course is the 5th person, and in her honour, I’m adding a question #5 to this “list five meme” - it only makes sense - right?
The new list of five that I have created for this meme shall be…
5 ways to leave your lover
1. Cease all bathing and other regular hygiene practices.
2. Chew up as many zesty cheese flavoured corn-chips as will fit in your mouth and then french kiss them - works better in the dark.
3. Quote Star Wars CONSTANTLY - though that’s never actually been 100% successful - yet.
4. Take the 7:20 to Wawa.
5. Buy a Sharpie Permanent Marker. Use it when they’re sleeping.All theoretically speaking, of course…
My horoscope for Thursday:
Your Daily Horoscope from The Future Minders
It's your birthday-or very near. Set new sights for yourself and consider ways to renew your personal will and power as this day signifies a rebirth. By paying attention to this annual occurrence at a deeper level, you achieve a better understanding of your unique truth with each passing year. Celebrate your individuality, dedicate yourself to pursuing your life's path, and have the goal to express fully the identity that is you.
Feelings quickly surface, and whatever attracts you also moves you-sometimes without knowing why. Sensitive to others, you may rely on their approval, and not being appreciated can cause moodiness. Tension tends to surface between present needs and past considerations. Strive to find appropriate emotional outlets; give yourself permission to laugh-and to cry.
How ironic.
Your Daily Horoscope from The Future Minders
It's your birthday-or very near. Set new sights for yourself and consider ways to renew your personal will and power as this day signifies a rebirth. By paying attention to this annual occurrence at a deeper level, you achieve a better understanding of your unique truth with each passing year. Celebrate your individuality, dedicate yourself to pursuing your life's path, and have the goal to express fully the identity that is you.
Feelings quickly surface, and whatever attracts you also moves you-sometimes without knowing why. Sensitive to others, you may rely on their approval, and not being appreciated can cause moodiness. Tension tends to surface between present needs and past considerations. Strive to find appropriate emotional outlets; give yourself permission to laugh-and to cry.
How ironic.
Why is this bugging me!?
Why is this birthday crap bugging me so much? I mean, it's just a number. It's just another date on a calendar. It really shouldn't have any significance at all.
But it does. Maybe I'm not very comfortable with where I am and my birthday has always been a sort of day to measure benchmarks. It's a day to check on my progress in life and chart new directions.
I'm getting old. I have nothing concrete to show for my time on this earth and little in the way of accomplishments.
What am I now and how do I rate?
I have been devoting most of my time to work and liking that but other areas of my life have suffered. It would have been nice to find a partner in this life and invest some of my efforts in a future with someone who loves me for who I am more than for what I can do for him. Now I believe it is too late for that.
Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
And why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains
I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down
You can keep me company
As long as you don't care
I'm only happy when it rains
You wanna hear about my new obsession?
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me).
Nobody loves you
Watching the days slip by so fast
Knowing our fate has long been cast
Working our fingers to the bone
Cause nobody loves you when you're gone, gone, gone, gone
Coughing up feeling just for you
To find something real to hold on to
But there is a hole inside my heart
Where all of my love comes pouring out
You know you'll always be my man
But grab yourself sweetness where you can
Cause sooner or later we're gonna die
Left to the dogs under the sky
I cracked a piece of broken glass
I cracked a piece of broken glass
Coughing up feeling just for you
To find something real to hold on to
But there is a hole inside my heart
Where waves of my love come tumbling out
You say that all the good is gone
That I have forgotten who I am
Free as a bird
Wild as the wind
But somehow I cannot let you in
My anthems for today. And my questions for today, does he know he's the one I'm coughing up feeling about? Does he know he is the reason I cannot let anyone in?
Two words will make my day wonderful on Thursday. Just a simple 'happy birthday' from him... by email, by phone call, by telepathic communication. Yeah, I know it won't happen so I'm off to buy some vodka and get stinking drunk with my computer that night. The day should be cool with a dentist's appointment and three assignments to do. Then there will be a family dinner at my mom's which should be actual fun. But the night time belongs to me, my vodka and my computer.
There are plenty of good people I will avoid inflicting my sorry ass on this coming weekend. Don't expect to see me at anything but work for a while.
Why is this birthday crap bugging me so much? I mean, it's just a number. It's just another date on a calendar. It really shouldn't have any significance at all.
But it does. Maybe I'm not very comfortable with where I am and my birthday has always been a sort of day to measure benchmarks. It's a day to check on my progress in life and chart new directions.
I'm getting old. I have nothing concrete to show for my time on this earth and little in the way of accomplishments.
What am I now and how do I rate?
I have been devoting most of my time to work and liking that but other areas of my life have suffered. It would have been nice to find a partner in this life and invest some of my efforts in a future with someone who loves me for who I am more than for what I can do for him. Now I believe it is too late for that.
Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
I'm only happy when it rainsI'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
And why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains
I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down
You can keep me company
As long as you don't care
I'm only happy when it rains
You wanna hear about my new obsession?
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me).
Nobody loves you
Watching the days slip by so fast
Knowing our fate has long been cast
Working our fingers to the bone
Cause nobody loves you when you're gone, gone, gone, gone
Coughing up feeling just for you
To find something real to hold on to
But there is a hole inside my heart
Where all of my love comes pouring out
You know you'll always be my man
But grab yourself sweetness where you can
Cause sooner or later we're gonna die
Left to the dogs under the sky
I cracked a piece of broken glass
I cracked a piece of broken glass
Coughing up feeling just for you
To find something real to hold on to
But there is a hole inside my heart
Where waves of my love come tumbling out
You say that all the good is gone
That I have forgotten who I am
Free as a bird
Wild as the wind
But somehow I cannot let you in
My anthems for today. And my questions for today, does he know he's the one I'm coughing up feeling about? Does he know he is the reason I cannot let anyone in?
Two words will make my day wonderful on Thursday. Just a simple 'happy birthday' from him... by email, by phone call, by telepathic communication. Yeah, I know it won't happen so I'm off to buy some vodka and get stinking drunk with my computer that night. The day should be cool with a dentist's appointment and three assignments to do. Then there will be a family dinner at my mom's which should be actual fun. But the night time belongs to me, my vodka and my computer.
There are plenty of good people I will avoid inflicting my sorry ass on this coming weekend. Don't expect to see me at anything but work for a while.
Well, it's that time again
Last year I totally forgot my birthday until I got pulled over for not renewing the sticker on my license plate.
This year I dropped a few reminders that my birthday is coming up but expect the same as last year. A nice quiet dinner with my kids, parents and Ami followed by a work assignment.
I was going to go out and have fun like I did a couple years ago but no one is playing anywhere so, oh well.
On a brighter note, I bumped into a nice fellow at the Tim Horton's on Bay Street. Everyone was making such a fuss over him and he was kind enough to stop when he heard my friend Carmine wish me an early happy birthday.
"It's your birthday?" asked Mr. McGuinty.
"Well, not until Thursday, but yes - soon," I said.
"Well Happy Birthday, Carol. I enjoy your website very much," he said as he stepped around beside me. "Can we get a picture, please?"
And instantly about half a dozen flashes went off in my face. It was kind of fun to have the Premier wish me a happy birthday and ask for a picture with me. For that, I can stand still for a camera!
Last year I totally forgot my birthday until I got pulled over for not renewing the sticker on my license plate. This year I dropped a few reminders that my birthday is coming up but expect the same as last year. A nice quiet dinner with my kids, parents and Ami followed by a work assignment.
I was going to go out and have fun like I did a couple years ago but no one is playing anywhere so, oh well.
On a brighter note, I bumped into a nice fellow at the Tim Horton's on Bay Street. Everyone was making such a fuss over him and he was kind enough to stop when he heard my friend Carmine wish me an early happy birthday.
"It's your birthday?" asked Mr. McGuinty.
"Well, not until Thursday, but yes - soon," I said.
"Well Happy Birthday, Carol. I enjoy your website very much," he said as he stepped around beside me. "Can we get a picture, please?"
And instantly about half a dozen flashes went off in my face. It was kind of fun to have the Premier wish me a happy birthday and ask for a picture with me. For that, I can stand still for a camera!
I have a new love
This man is not only sexy as hell but he actually had the nerve to give the Da Vinci Code 2.5 stars on Canada AM during the week the cast was in Paris flogging the hell out of the movie. I laughed my ass off!
Today they were talking about the top inspirational movies and I realized I've never seen any of them. I started to cook up this theory...
Maybe I should have watched Rocky or It's a Wonderful Life just once. That could have made me a better person couldn't it? Maybe that's what is so essentially wrong with me... I've never seen an inspirational movie. I tried. I really did try hard to watch Rocky once. I just couldn't keep from gagging and my husband (now ex) sent me from the room in disgust. I bet that, if I could have watched one or two of those movies and been the sort of person who really gets carried away by them I'd have actually found that happily-ever-after before I got to old to care about it.
By that point in my inner diatribe Richard to-hot-for-TV Crouse was talking about movies he thought should have been on the list. He first really caught my attention when he said the two movies he has watched the most were It's a Wonderful Life and Pulp Fiction. 'Wow,' I thought. 'There's an incredibly sexy man with a brain AND good taste.' (Pulp Fiction is inspiring to me)
Then he utterly blew me away... he said Edward Scissor Hands should have been on that list. My heart melted. I am so his. The only way I will ever love another man is if Richard Crouse gives Blade Runner a bad review.
This man is not only sexy as hell but he actually had the nerve to give the Da Vinci Code 2.5 stars on Canada AM during the week the cast was in Paris flogging the hell out of the movie. I laughed my ass off!
Today they were talking about the top inspirational movies and I realized I've never seen any of them. I started to cook up this theory...
Maybe I should have watched Rocky or It's a Wonderful Life just once. That could have made me a better person couldn't it? Maybe that's what is so essentially wrong with me... I've never seen an inspirational movie. I tried. I really did try hard to watch Rocky once. I just couldn't keep from gagging and my husband (now ex) sent me from the room in disgust. I bet that, if I could have watched one or two of those movies and been the sort of person who really gets carried away by them I'd have actually found that happily-ever-after before I got to old to care about it.
By that point in my inner diatribe Richard to-hot-for-TV Crouse was talking about movies he thought should have been on the list. He first really caught my attention when he said the two movies he has watched the most were It's a Wonderful Life and Pulp Fiction. 'Wow,' I thought. 'There's an incredibly sexy man with a brain AND good taste.' (Pulp Fiction is inspiring to me)
Then he utterly blew me away... he said Edward Scissor Hands should have been on that list. My heart melted. I am so his. The only way I will ever love another man is if Richard Crouse gives Blade Runner a bad review.
Fear
A down-turn in the cycles of wealth have seeded her with apprehension.
Fear grows in her belly making her pregnant with desire to defend an untenable position.
Lies breed distrust and guilt gives rise to irrational attacks on anyone in close proximity.
(This is not about me but I am updating my resume today just in case this pregnant pause gives birth to big changes.)
A down-turn in the cycles of wealth have seeded her with apprehension.
Fear grows in her belly making her pregnant with desire to defend an untenable position.
Lies breed distrust and guilt gives rise to irrational attacks on anyone in close proximity.
(This is not about me but I am updating my resume today just in case this pregnant pause gives birth to big changes.)
I feel like Dian Fossey
Well, I feel like Dian Fossey might have felt had she been spanked and sent home from the mists for some terrible infraction like, say, refusing to bait her beloved gorillas with sugar so some wealthy business man could take pictures of them.
In my case musicians are the gorillas and their natural habitat is Loplops, the SpeakEasy, and the Downbeat as well as special venues such as RotaryFest Second Stage and the Lost Loon Festival.
Like the gorillas in the mist with Dian Fossey, many of the musicians were at first wary of me, the strange woman with the camera and note book but over the years I gradually earned their trust to varying degrees. Recently, some had even begun to make socially inclusive gestures and signs which included behaviors ranging from a rather tentative hand flick of acknowledgement to an actual visit to my home for dinner and drinks. Of course a few of them, one big male in particular who fancied himself a leader of the clan, never came round.
But would Dian let that break her heart and send her home from the mists in tears? No way! Dian let him have his space and abided by his rules. She let him be who he was and continued to interact with and attempt to build trust with the other musicians in the clan. My guess is that kind of irked the big male but that's another story for another day.
Just when Dian was getting to enjoy plenty of positive responses from the elusive and mysterious musicians (including many smiles and waves and even a few jokes shared), her boss came down to the mist and told her she couldn't study them any more. The mean boss lady said that her funding had been yanked and she was not to go near the musicians any more. She didn't give her any reasons and she made no assurances that someone else would be sent to continue the studies to their natural conclusions.
So now Dian sits in her lonely apartment longing for a nice smile and wave from an elusive musician. Dian is getting drunk and missing the mist. Dian is afraid that her beloved musicians are being slaughtered by poachers while she can't be there. She is afraid that they will forget her and that all her hard work to earn their trust will be undone by time away.
Me, I feel a bit sorry for poor Dian and I'm busy trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do with myself now that a project that meant everything to me for the past two years has been torn away from me and killed with absolutely no chance for input or suggestions from me and no explanation what-so-ever.
Maybe I'm a little pissed off, too. Dian Fossey probably should have stayed in her observation tower and not tried to interact with the musicians, sort of like Brian Kelly. At least then there would have been no expectations raised and less harm done.
It was a deeply disturbing slap in the professional face and personal affront to mine and Dian's integrity.
But I'm going to smile, nod and play nice while I bide my time as I fade and dissolve.
Project: Musicians in the mist
Duration: August 13, 2004 to June 12, 2006 - 137 stories.
Question: If I am not Dian Fossey with my camera and notebook, who am I? What is my purpose? What is my reason to be in the mist?
Goodbye musicians. I'm sorry I couldn't find a way to serve you better.
Well, I feel like Dian Fossey might have felt had she been spanked and sent home from the mists for some terrible infraction like, say, refusing to bait her beloved gorillas with sugar so some wealthy business man could take pictures of them.
In my case musicians are the gorillas and their natural habitat is Loplops, the SpeakEasy, and the Downbeat as well as special venues such as RotaryFest Second Stage and the Lost Loon Festival.
Like the gorillas in the mist with Dian Fossey, many of the musicians were at first wary of me, the strange woman with the camera and note book but over the years I gradually earned their trust to varying degrees. Recently, some had even begun to make socially inclusive gestures and signs which included behaviors ranging from a rather tentative hand flick of acknowledgement to an actual visit to my home for dinner and drinks. Of course a few of them, one big male in particular who fancied himself a leader of the clan, never came round.
But would Dian let that break her heart and send her home from the mists in tears? No way! Dian let him have his space and abided by his rules. She let him be who he was and continued to interact with and attempt to build trust with the other musicians in the clan. My guess is that kind of irked the big male but that's another story for another day.
Just when Dian was getting to enjoy plenty of positive responses from the elusive and mysterious musicians (including many smiles and waves and even a few jokes shared), her boss came down to the mist and told her she couldn't study them any more. The mean boss lady said that her funding had been yanked and she was not to go near the musicians any more. She didn't give her any reasons and she made no assurances that someone else would be sent to continue the studies to their natural conclusions.
So now Dian sits in her lonely apartment longing for a nice smile and wave from an elusive musician. Dian is getting drunk and missing the mist. Dian is afraid that her beloved musicians are being slaughtered by poachers while she can't be there. She is afraid that they will forget her and that all her hard work to earn their trust will be undone by time away.
Me, I feel a bit sorry for poor Dian and I'm busy trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do with myself now that a project that meant everything to me for the past two years has been torn away from me and killed with absolutely no chance for input or suggestions from me and no explanation what-so-ever.
Maybe I'm a little pissed off, too. Dian Fossey probably should have stayed in her observation tower and not tried to interact with the musicians, sort of like Brian Kelly. At least then there would have been no expectations raised and less harm done.
It was a deeply disturbing slap in the professional face and personal affront to mine and Dian's integrity.
But I'm going to smile, nod and play nice while I bide my time as I fade and dissolve.
Project: Musicians in the mist
Duration: August 13, 2004 to June 12, 2006 - 137 stories.
Question: If I am not Dian Fossey with my camera and notebook, who am I? What is my purpose? What is my reason to be in the mist?
Goodbye musicians. I'm sorry I couldn't find a way to serve you better.