Â§hria's Spot

Side note: Something from today -- and an excuse to put more pictures in (I can only put three per post)

I am a very bitter woman. Today I realized that even if the man I love turned to me with love in his expression I wouldn't know how to return it. It is too late for me to love or be loved.

He hurt me -- or rather I hurt myself so deeply on him, that I will make sure I never allow another opportunity for love to grow.

Okay, back to the important stuff... Mexico

The lowest point

On Friday, January 20, I was sitting in front of a computer in an internet place on the main street in Melaqui, Mexico, trying to fix a huge mistake someone made under my by-line on the Entertainment Page. Suddenly my mother came running in looking all flustered.

"The girls had a problem over at the water park," she said breathlessly. "Dana's been hurt, I think it's bad."

I saved what I was doing and exited the programs I was using as she told me where the truck was parked. Mom ran back to the truck and started it as I paid for my internet time.

As I came out of the shop into the bright sunlight it took a second for my eyes to adjust and much longer for my heart to get back down where it belongs when I saw Dana.

My child's face was ashen, even through her deep-fun-on-the-beach tan. She was shaking and barely responded as I got into the truck and asked her how she was. Her head was down and she was hunched over like someone punched her in the stomach.

"It hurts mommy," she said. "It hurts a lot."

I choked back my own tears as I we circled the block to head for the clinic and I reassured Dana that it wasn't very far to the doctor's office and that they would make it all better soon.

Nova was visibly upset but doing a marvelous job of controlling herself.

As we drove the few cobblestone, gut-wrenching blocks to the clinic my mom explained what had happened.

"Nova was at the top of one of the small slides in the waterpark and Dana was at the bottom," my mom said. "Nova slipped and fell right on Dana's shoulder. I could see from the way Dana got up that she was hurt but she tried to say she was okay. I think her collar bone may be broken."

The beginnings of hysterical wails erupted from both girls in the back seat. I turned and reassured them that it was a common and easily treated injury that would be all better very soon even though it hurt a lot right now. Meanwhile inside I was picking up the hysterical wail and carrying it along.

I wondered what sort of reception we would get at the clinic. Would there be anyone who spoke English? Would there be a doctor there? How long would we have to wait? How much would it cost? Would Dana be all right to travel home on the 25th? Would she get good enough care to prevent long-term damage or much pain.

Damn, I have to go to work. Some idiots are having a biathalon in a blizzard and some other jerk is playing a gig at the library that I have to cover. More later, I promise.

Stupid Saturday

Yesterday, when my ex picked up the girls he informed me that he had made a hair stylist appointment for Nova to have her hair cut.

I nearly choked. EVERYONE loves her long beautiful blonde waves of silk cascading over her shoulders almost to her waistline already. It has been growing since she was born with only trims along the way to keep the ends healthy.

"You mean a trim, right? Like half an inch or so, right?" I said.

"Yeah, just enough to get the ends evened up," he said.

This morning begins for me with a 9 a.m. wakeup call from my ex. He knows that I was working late, that I am sick with a cold and am not due to pick Dana up until 10 a.m. but still he calls anyway, just to irritate me. It works. I am very irritated. He just loves to play these stupid games.

"We're ready to go," he says. "What time are you picking Dana up to take her to the walk in clinic and have her shoulder checked by a REAL doctor?"

From the background I hear Dana say, "Dad, it's my COLLARBONE and the guy in Mexico was a REAL doctor, and a cute one, too. Just ask mom." I end up picking Dana up about 20 minutes late and they are all in the driveway waiting to go. My ex's boss is not happy that I am late. (That would be his girlfriend, the woman I suspect is behind the idea of cutting Nova's hair).

Dana's time at the walk in clinic is short so I take her to the hair stylist's where I know Jerry and Nova will soon be. I check with my stylist and he says he can fit me in for a trim in about 45 minutes so I go make myself busy and come back.

When I walk in the shop my jaw hits the floor. Nova's hair is about six or eight inches shorter and the stylist is STRAIGHTENING it. Nova catches sight of me in the mirror and gives me her best see-what-a-good-girl-I-am smile and says, "See mommy, aren't I pretty?"

I make my best quick recovery and try to find something positive to say that isn't a lie.

"Yes, sweetie, you are beautiful." I say as gracefully as I can as I look at the pile of hair on the floor. "Very short but very glamorous."

Meanwhile I'm thinking, 'Oh my Lord! What the hell have they done to my beautiful child! Can we stick some of that back on!?'

Just then my stylist Franco touches my arm startling me. "Are you ready for your shampoo?" he asks. "Uh, yeah, oh yeah sure," I stammer as I follow him to the chair.

Then my ex hits me with the big one. "You're going to cover for this, right?" he says as he slips out of the shop with the girls.

So I paid for Nova's hair to be cut short and ugly so she can look just like every other five-year-old girl -- rather non-descript and much like my ex's girlfriend's five-year-old daughter.

Yes, I know it's only hair and it will eventually grow back. That four or so years of hair growth that they hacked off will grow back just about the time Nova outgrows cute and gets into pretty and well groomed instead of the wild mane of exploding hair she was so admired for.

So much for her getting off for being cute. Now she will have to aim for good little ordinary girl.

I guess the ex's girlfriend was tired of people saying how cute Nova is and forgetting about her ordinary child whining for attention. Now the two of them will be on evenly ordinary ground. I can also see where spending a lot of time with her dad, his girlfriend and their kids is going to be bad for Nova's self esteem.

A short one today

I'b sick. Yuck and damn. I really wanted to go see Craig and Ed. I actually miss them and the gang at Loplop

Just a few words about some treasures I found while in Cuastecomate and a few pictures to illustrate them.

Treasure number one was found (initially with his or her tail intact) inside Fred's trailer hitch. The little sweetie was curled up and sleeping the afternoon away when Fred decided to hook up his trailer. When the skink was startled it up and ran away, leaving a piece of its tail behind.

He or she did let me get pretty close, though. I crept up and took a bunch of photos then gave him or her a pat on the head before he or she skittered away.

Then Dana discovered treasure number two, a young iguana, dozing in the afternoon shade on Fred's wall. That one was kind enough to pose for pictures until Fred called me for my dorado filleting lesson.

I'm back

Yes, I made it back alive from the bowels of hell, pretty much alive anyway.

There were some very high points and some very low points with the Mexico trip.

I've decided to break up the journaling of the trip into several entries so I can post more pictures.

Let's start today with the highest point.

Three humpback whales.

Unfortunately I haven't got any of my own pictures of them to share with you because they dove beneath the blue-green sea before I could get a shot. Okay, I was struck motionless with the absolute awesome size and beauty of them. I couldn't have moved to get my camera let alone drawn a breath when I saw them break the surface. I did manage to find a few pictures pretty close to what I saw, though.

The first was far out from the bay of Cuastecomate and it was shortly after sunrise so far away that I could barely make out the silhouette of its tail on the horizon in the distance. Then suddenly the whole animal erupted from the water higher into the air and unmistakably a humpback whale.

The 20 HP Johnson outboard motor couldn't move the 17 foot aluminum boat very fast and we didn't get close to this one before it disappeared. As we motored out to sea we saw the whale breach a couple more times.

Later in our fishing trip we saw a humpback whale, or rather its tail, a few times in the bay at La Manzanilla. It seemed like the whale was playing with us. It would arch across the surface almost soundlessly, slipping beneath the waves before whomever saw it could point it out. First about 300 meters to the sea side of the boat, then about 400 metres behind us, then again somewhere around 200 metres to the front shore side of the boat. In total we spotted it at least six times in about an hour.

Once, I had a fish on my line and it was putting up a very good fight. Suddenly there was a really sharp tug on the line, sharp enough to nearly haul me out of the boat but short enough to give me time to recover before I got really wet. Then the line went totally slack. I thought it was another Dorado playing dead on me so I would give up and give him slack to break free so I kept reeling in the line. It came up with the lure intact and a little piece of a fish lip on it. Fred said that was weird and threw it back in the water for me to set.

I asked him if humpback whales eat dorados and he thought they may, since some of the younger dorado are about the right size. Not wanting to get caught by a whale while fishing for dorado, I snapped the safety belt on and checked to be sure it was secured to the boat before resetting my line.

Moments later the same line was hit by another fish and started spinning out. I wrestled it out of the holder just as Gerry and Fred started to holler and point behind me. I turned just in time to see the tails of two whales about 100 metres to the sea-side bow of our boat wave good-bye before they dove into the depths, not to surface near us again.

The fishing rod that I was barely holding on to suddenly stopped clicking and the lure started to sink. That was when I realized how quiet it was. Fred had cut the motor and lifted it out of the water. We gently drifted in the wake of the disappeared whales for a few minutes before Fred dropped the motor in the water and we wordlessly went back to setting the lines.

When we got back to shore and told everyone gathered there to greet us what we caught, the Mexican chef agreed with Nova who told me to fish when I am fishing and never mind the whales. Fred and Gerry laughed hard, telling them its pretty hard to do that.

Okay, just one more entry before I leave in two hours.

I almost finished all my work and just have to pack the stuff I've gathered into its bags.

So much for sleep.

Hopefully I can sleep on the plane but that should be interesting with the girls along.

Maybe Dana will watch out for Nova and I while I watch the insides of my eyelids. They have lots of quiet things to do, too.

Finally, today (yesterday) I got to have a real conversation with Michele. She has been in the hospital for transfusions on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday then asleep most of the time after. She perked up a bit when I told her about the Webb family and says she thinks she would be okay enough for Claryssa to come over on Sunday along with Michele's pastor and his wife. She rather liked the idea.

Although it was often difficult to understand her and her thoughts wandered a lot, occasional rays of the Michele I know so well and love so much shone through and it was very reassuring to talk to her again. She managed to sustain a near hour long conversation.

Her husband promised to keep me informed of her progress through email while I am gone.

Time now to pack and go, although I still don't want to leave. Can you tell?

I will be checking my email from Mexico and may even post some pictures of the kids on the beach or something in the next two weeks.

Yeah, okay, I'm out a here.

I LOVE the taste of toe jam

Just one more entry that has to be made before I leave.

It's good to eat my words.

The Webb family has a little band they call Webb Surround. They are Bill (Dad), Claryssa and Todd (son and daughter). Mom, Peggy, is the taxi, cheerleader, booking agent, and general all around support person.

Every year they busk at the Cambrian Mall and hold other functions to raise money for charity in addition to their paying gigs.

When I went to cover their donation to the soup kitchen, Peggy asked me how my Christmas was between songs. I told her it was pretty subdued because my friend is dying of cancer. She expressed her condolences and we went on to talk of other things. It wasn't particularly intense or anything but it was nice.

Just now, she called me to say that Webb Surround would like to raise money for the charity of Michele's choice and Claryssa would like to go play for Michele if she is up for it.

Unfortunately, Michele is not up for a serenade but Webb Surround will be raising money for the Cancer society to help me remember Michele.

So, even though some stories have a sad ending, they have happy moments made brighter by the generous spirits of folks like the Webb family.

Time warps and charm bracelets

I want to know what it is that has the power to instantly transport a person 23 years into the past. I want to know so I can keep it from happening again. There's got to be a temporal shield or something out there that keeps me nailed down in the here and now.

This blog entry was supposed to be a rant about a petty woman who collects 'important' people like charms on a bracelet. It was supposed to be clever and talk about how she has this maddening habit of dropping names like it somehow makes her more important just by association.

I decided to watch a little TV before settling down to write my last blog before I leave for a few weeks. That's when I saw the gun and I remembered why I stopped watching TV a while ago. Avoidance is not actually a very good temporal shield. It just lulls you into a false sense of security so you are totally unprepared for the next time jump.

There you are, avoiding a lonely life by watching CSI or some other equally absorbing distraction when suddenly an image flashes on the screen and 'poof' its February 19, 1983 all over again and...… and I’m editing out the story of what happened to me because, if I could tell it, I wouldn't be telling it to you.

Little things are revealed. Tiny fragments of memory hang on a thread like charms dangling from a bracelet. Shiny little symbols bound to a chain of events.

The shiny little silver people on that woman's wrist glitter like the silver barrel of that Colt 45 in the moonlight. There are lessons here, if only I could grasp them. Somehow it's about betrayal. They both said they were friends of mine and turned on me in one way or another.

The charms on that woman’s bracelet remind her of who she would like to be and of who she would like people to see her as. They make me angry because they remind me of the day I died. No links clasp shiny silver people to me or ever will because I'm not really here. I really would rather have lived and loved like a normal person. I should have had that chance. I did nothing to deserve what he did to me.

That woman did nothing to deserve loyalty from the people charms she collects.

Michele did nothing to deserve to suffer and die like this.

There is truly no justice and no hope for mercy or compassion in this world. There are no happy endings and life is NOT beautiful.

Then again, maybe I’m just a brat child having a tantrum because that woman thought I was worth collecting then suddenly decided I wasn't and cut me off her bracelet like I was never even there. Maybe I'm just bitter about how many bracelets I've been cut off and about the fact that one of the very few bracelets I still cling to is leaving this world.

Or maybe I just want a bracelet of my own to love as if there were nothing bad in the world.

Maybe I will have good dreams again tonight. I hope so.

"Sweet dreams," is the nicest thing anyone can ever say to me.

Dream interpretation

"Lecture: Communication. Sermons. Ready to hear or to say something important."

"Church: Big happiness. Being loved by God. Spiritual belief." "Night: Darkness. Mystery. Unconscious contents. There is a mystery that you want to penetrate."

"Winter: In this case is a cycle of disintegration and rest. It foretells happiness and financial gains."

"Car: Personal power. Ego."

"Driving: Work on energy and power. Looking for the desired destination."

"Hand: Capacity and competence. Expect big work ahead, meanwhile must take better care of own affairs."

"Friend: Joy and consolation. Aspect of self ready for integration."

"Telephone: Remote locations. Connection. Trying to reach someone or something." - Online Dream Dictionary.

He took me to a church for a lecture. I am ready to hear something important that will make me feel spiritual belief. He has something to do with it.

He drove my car at night in the winter. I have put him in the driver's seat of my ego and he is piloting it through the mystery. Only he knows what direction to take to penetrate the mystery and I must rest and regenerate while he drives. (Remind me not to let others drive my car in the future.)

He held my hand. A warning of something to be careful of. Also a suggestion of the coming mutual support of partners in hard work and great capacity.

My friend phoned. I'm ready to move on to another phase of personal development and am trying to reach someone, to make a connection with that person.

Okay. Now I'm really confused.

Wishes do come true

Well they do in dreams, anyway. Last night I slept like a rock and dreamed the most wonderful wish fulfillment dream ever.

I went to dinner with him then we went to some sort of a forum in a weird church that was set up like a lecture hall. The place was pretty full and there were not two seats together anywhere so he sat in the bleachers up on the side and I snagged a nice seat on the floor.

My cell phone rang as people were still coming in so I answered it.

The caller was a friend and former editor, Sandra. She was telling me about a great story she was really excited about and I was surprised that she would tell me about it since I could easily get the story up on my news site before she could print it in her paper. But she was really excited about it so I just enjoyed the story from her and left it at that. It was cool that she wanted to share with me.

Shortly after the speaker started I noticed my guy's seat was empty. After about half an hour it was still empty but I wasn't particularly worried about it. After about three hours I started to wonder where he went. Just before the last speaker wound up he was back in his seat.

Unfortunately, I don't remember what the speakers were talking about I just remember that it was very interesting.

My guy and I left in my car. He drove. It was a dark, winter night but warm and cozy in the car with him.

"Where did you go?" I asked him.

"I had to go out to the shop and do something, it took forever on the bus."

"You should have let me know, I would have driven you over there."

"Over half and hour each way and wait for me while I'm there, that's too much to ask."

"Not at all. I would love to spend an hour and a half trapped in a car with you any time," I said with a little laugh as I nudged his leg with my hand.

Before I could pull my hand away, he covered it with his, holding it gently on the seat between us.

"I just wanted to thank you for a perfect evening," I told him as I entwined my fingers in his. "I really enjoyed my time with you a lot."

I looked at him, he smiled his heart-melting, head-spinning, happy-to-his-toes smile and gave my hand a squeeze before letting it go to turn a corner.

Dreams like that make me actually want to sleep more. It's wonderful to have such a supportive and compassionate dream lover and a dream best friend who is alive and well.

Right now, I wish I could go back to bed.

Today's thought

Things we do not expect, happen more frequently than we wish. -- Plautus

My eyes are shut tight and I am fully NOT expecting the man I love to kiss me today. Fingers are crossed. Toes are crossed. Breath is held as I do NOT expect him to kiss me.

Okay, the diet pills are kicking in and I can't sleep. I've moved all my furniture, washed and waxed my floors, its 1:20 a.m. and it's really very sad. Although I won't be thin enough to have fun in Mexico, hope remains that some day I may be thin enough to attract his attention.

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! Ha ha ha ha

Yeah, like that will EVER happen.

Whew, maybe I should just have fun with my life as it is. He probably snores like a cat in heat howling for some lovin' anyway.

Nah, that second pillow is staying in the basement and I'm sharpening my own knives until my last breath is drawn. Good enough for me.

Tomorrow I'll be taking the last daily dose of diet pills a lot earlier in the day and trying harder NOT to think about Michele.

She is so much on my mind I'm beginning to lose it... okay, continuing to lose it, maybe just in a different direction.

Nope, I still DON'T want to go to Mexico but we're nearly ready.

←The real inner me

(or parts of what I aught to have been at some time in my life but am beyond hoping for, now)

Still nothing good to write but a few things that need to be written.

This is a very bad time to go, but I am leaving for two weeks of hell with Michele still barely hanging on.

I'm wishing to stay home but my family would disown me -- both kids and parents. They are all that is left now and as much as I hate the things they expect from me, I have to go. Some day I may need someone to go pick up things for me at the store or something.

The plan for Mexico is to wear tents and stay just drunk enough to not to spoil it for anyone else. That, and to work on a better list of excuses of why I can't go back again. That will be fine though, since Dana is almost old enough to just take Nova down there without me. They can be put off for a few more winters until the girls can travel without me. My parents don't really care if I'm there or not, anyway. They just want to spend time with my kids.

It would be the best if I could just replace myself with a cheerful stunt double who is full of confidence and a totally unconditional joy of living. Then, I could stay home with my dog, big black clothes and computer while she goes to the beach every day to swim in the ocean, work on her tan and makes sure everyone has a great time.

Unfortunately, there isn't anyone who could look like me and feel that way. Well, time to stop procrastinating with this stupid blog and do what needs to be done to go.

Now, where DID I put that home liposuction kit, anyway?

Happy New Year

I spent the start of 2006 driving in my car.

With a deeply empowered feeling of self-reliance and independence, I split the scene at Loplop about 11:30 just to make sure I wouldn't be there for the humiliating 'kiss everyone around you' thing at midnight. I knew about five people in the bar and didn't want to kiss any of them.

So, next year I am staying home. I am keeping my kids at home and staying there with them, no matter how much better their father and his girlfriend are at that whole family thing.

I let them stay at their dad's this year so I could go out to work. The assignment was to visit a few bars and get pictures of people having fun on New Years Eve. The Downbeat was closed. I wasn't going to go into the River Rock or Foggy Notions, especially not alone. That left Loplop and Docks. Dave said he was going to do Docks so I checked out Loplop, although I was told not to come back with only pictures of that place because I had just done a story from there a few days ago.

But, that's where I found Robbie, the cartoonist. At least I got a story for later out of the evening so it wasn't a total waste of makeup. I'll use the photo and interview as an advancer for his upcoming book launch.

I also decided to take a picture of myself because I am not likely to be wearing a skirt or a belt again any time soon, and definitely NOT with white print on it. The picture, the skirt and going out were all HUGE mistakes.

Holy ugly woman!

This will be my before picture and there won't be any more pictures of me until I've lost at least 30 pounds and hacked off those freakishly huge boobs. Nope, sorry Les, no pictures of me in Mexico and most certainly no pictures of me in a bathing suit. I really can't believe how disgustingly HUGE I am and why do my friends try to tell me otherwise? Do they not realize I own a mirror?

I could afford to be fat if I were some sort of cute, smart, clever, talented or something but I'm none of those. What I am is grotesquely matronly. Ugh, it's true. Curse of all curses. I am matronly. Fat, dull, ordinary and uninteresting.

That's it for this stupid blog, too.

When I actually have something worth writing, I will. Until then I'll be starving myself and working out.