I'm going to say what I feel and say it with feeling.

The universe reflects my love right back at me. The more I look for good, the more good I see. That does not mean that I don't see bad, I just attract less of it. I believe that we liein a universe of free will, what we seek, we shall find.

That's just what I feel.

Obviously my tag line is a little out of date, as is my blog.

Thanks for saying what you feel with feeling, Joan. I respect your opinion and understand what you are saying I just can't find the truth in it. Nothing that has happened to me in life has proven that there is any sort of divinity, order or justice in the world.

Events in the world such as the abuse and destruction of so many innocent creatures who are full of love and light (innocent children, trusting companion animals, loving and supportive women, trusting and caring men) cannot be denied or ignored and they just don't fit into the theory of a compassionate divinity.

My will is to see and accept things as they are, not to need them to be otherwise. What little good there is in the world is choked and rendered ineffectual by the indifference of the universe.

Obviously my perception of the true state of the world is going to offend many so I will be keeping my opinions to myself in the future. I just had to let loose the dogs of self-expression one more time.

"And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries."-- Paul Simon, "I am a Rock"

Carol, I have been reading your blog since we finished the show. I've tried to reach you with positive messages and with innuendo. Now I am going to try something you seem to want-- a straight-out shot in the chops. Grow up, girl!

So you build yourself a dream castle and then you feel wronged because your chosen Prince Charming is unavailable? Let him ride by. Maybe what you really need to be happy is a good ogre instead of a handsome dream.

So your boss isn't nurturing your pet project? You have been asked to continue it here, where the audience appreciates your efforts and will pass the word around if possible.

The Universe in general ignores you? Join the rest of us. The Universe, the World, Canada, Ontario, Sault Ste. Marie ignore the rest of us way more than they do a woman who has a podium, even if it is "only" Soo Today online. You probably touch a lot more lives there than you think you do. The rest of us make do by reaching out and touching people we know, and by such acts of general charity as we are moved to make. In a world where there is no general morality, we can either choose our own ethics and strive to live up to them or sink into apathy and amorality. We choose our own morals, my dear, either deliberately or unconsciously.

I hope that this bout of self-pity will pass. I value you too much as a friend and as a beautiful woman, in that order, to consign you to the trashpile where you wrongly think you belong. Come on out and enjoy the good things that happen in this indifferent Universe.

Bear

Thanks for your advice and I appreciate that it comes from a place of caring and compassion.

The thing that jumps out most at me from your comment is this: "choose our own ethics and strive to live up to them"

That is what I am striving to do. I am attempting to formulate goals and move past this stagnation to discover the things that have been miring my efforts at self-improvement. I am trying to identify and eradicate the beliefs and opinions that are unproductive and irrelevant.

I am not a lover. I do not need or want to be loved.

That is my ethic and my belief. If you don't think that is valid then so be it. I am just going to get on with doing my work and fulfilling my responsibilities to the best of my abilities.

Sometimes it is important to just accept situations or people as they are. I believe growth is a process not a product so I am 'growing up' simply by being alive. This is not self-pity, it is self-analysis.

The idea of me putting an entertainment blog up is counterproductive and would be a waste of great effort on my part. No one in the local entertainment world would care to be a part of it or give it any credibility. Besides, SooToday.com has found an entertainment reporter who will do a much better job than I ever could have.

Donna Hopper is an excellent writer and photographer AND they really like her. The local musicians think she is the best thing since sliced bread and will love that she is doing the page, as do I. At least I can rest assured that my precious musicians in the mist will be just fine, perhaps better off, without me.

Carol, you may claim that you don't want or need to be loved. The fact remains that there are people who will continue to love you and care about you in spite of that. That is our ethic and our choice.

Love, accroding to Spider Robinson, is that condition where the welfare and happiness of another person is essential to one's own welfare and happiness. Love means worrying and getting pissed off when the loved one chooses to flout our desire for her welfare and happiness. It's not your fault when that happens-- we have chosen to care about you.

My point is and will continue to be that you have means to be happier than you show us you are. I hope you avail yourself of them soon.

'If something doesn't exist to suit your needs, create it.' I just found this in an interview I'm reading online and I thought of you.

No more preaching for today. Beyond that, I make you no promises.

did you write this bullshit or find it somewhere else? either way, I can find this kind of insight in a highschool poetry class.

if this is how u feel, u need a tub of ice cream and a good friend to give you a slap until you get a clue.

Bite me Rab. Unless you want to slap me. That would be cool.

I thought I had friends but was grossly mistaken. I have enough knives in my back from so called friends to be mistaken for a porcupine at this point in time.

As for ice cream... now that is mature! It's sure to help my body image as well as my teeth and emotional state.

Hey there, Carol

Don't get too down on the friends thing. You have lots of friends who care about you.

Just because people think you're full of shit for this one blog posting - doesn't mean they're stabbing you in the back - maybe they think you're just full of shit and are calling you on it because they care.

They probably think you are 'full of shit' because they know you to be a loving, kind, wonderful person that they love and want to see you be happy in your life.

When you say this stuff like you don't care, it sounds like a lie - when you obviously do care.

Also, when you love someone - don't stop just because they don't love you back. Love isn't about what you're ever going to get - it's about giving.

You create your own universe with your choices - just as all the other people in the world do with their choices - that is why crap happens. It happens. But you can CHOOSE to love, and be vulnerable and create beauty every where you go - no matter what happens.

That is YOUR choice. And love WILL cleanse your spirit and soul, that is the deep truth of love. If you trust it and follow it wherever it leads you, it will lead you deeper than you ever thought you can go and it will heal you.

Sit down and figure out what you actually truly value in this life - and see how many things you do to glorify and live to those values.

Be honest.

Live like that and do your best.

And I'm sure there's more people like me who will just love you anyway and wish you all the best - even if you have a grumpy, life sucks day and just want to get it out of your system.

*CHOMP*

i didn't make ice cream the universal feel-good food, i'm not owning that.

What prevents me from staying at home everyday and masturbating, stopping only to fulfill my biological requirements? Nothing? Why not invent orgasm machines, plug ourselves in and forget about life?

Because human experience is complex and involves ups and downs. Whether we like it or not, it's all we know for sure. It's all necessary--the good and the bad.

You can't check-out of human experience, you need both good and bad. Saying peace and joy are unproductive misses the point--it's all part of the game. we may not know why we're here, but this much about life i think we can agree on.

i know this was completely unhelpful.

*SLAP*

Oh Rab, I didn't know it could be so good! blush

Anyway, you said "What prevents me from staying at home everyday and masturbating, stopping only to fulfill my biological requirements? Nothing? Why not invent orgasm machines, plug ourselves in and forget about life?"

They actually had a machine like that in this super funny Woody Allen movie called sleeper. Each partner gets into a seperate pod and has a grand old time. If I could get me one of those, I swear I'd never even go out to work.

As for those ups and downs... I get plenty from my job. Think about it, pretty much everyone I talk to in the 50 to 60 hours I worked on news in a week is trying to tell me something that is VITAL to them. To you and me it's just another barbeque or yard sale for charity, to many of them it's life and death.

Why in the hell would I want to complicate my life any more with relationships? Like I need more people telling me how important it is that I or one of my kids be at some friend of a friend's birthday party (only the third this week) or that there is some guy I HAVE to meet because he is the answer to all my problems.

So what I'm saying is that, it has been helpful but if you want to slap me again, I'm all for it. I just don't want any MORE ups and downs in my life than I already have to deal with as a reporter. I'd rather take the teensy weensy bit of time off I have and work out at the gym, ride my bike, go for a walk in the woods or some other such non human-interactive thing.

Can I slap you back now?

"I'd rather take the teensy weensy bit of time off I have and work out at the gym, ride my bike, go for a walk in the woods or some other such non human-interactive thing."

Well, then; I shall cease worrying. Which I was doing a lot of during today and yesterday: do I call her? Will she even answer the cell phone? Does she want to hear from me? Is Local Reporter Found Hanging from Rafter going to be the next Sootoday headline I see?

If it's not that bad, go ride your bike. If it gets that bad, could you at least call or email me, in the remote off-chance that I find the words to say "Hey! Look at me! I'd like to be your friend..."

You ARE my friend Les... and I never get to talk to you. The last time I talked to you was on my phone while I was driving to an assignment and pretending to listen to my boss who was sitting beside me (and whom I also like, btw).

That's one of the major things I'm complaining about... I SUCK as a friend. I don't even call the people I like, instead I spend my days and nights listening to people I don't know. I'm not saying I don't like them, I just don't know them, but I spend a lot of time with them anyway.

And, trust me, if I were going to do myself in, I wouldn't write a grumpy blog as a prelude and I would find something much more elaborate, ironic and dramatic than hanging from a rafter.

You are such a beautiful person!