Â§hria's Spot

The un-woman

What is my worth? I mean, financially, I've sent my whole life working and have nothing to show for it. I actually had to get my parents to co-sign for me for a loan to fix my car. How humiliating is that? A woman my age having to ask her parents to co-sign on a loan!

Yes, I know I should appreciate that I have parents who will and can do that, and I do, but I should be able to do it for myself by now. I can’t though, because I failed at relationships, too.

I spent 13 and 3/4 years in a relationship before I finally admitted that I failed and walked away only to realize that now I'm alone, old and undesirable. Un-sexy and un-fulfilled.

According to Sex and the City, pregnant women should be married because then someone is obligated to have sex with them even though they are un-sexy. I'd have to say the same for old women. We should be married so someone would be obligated to have sex with us.

Then again, maybe we should just get older faster so we want it less. Is that what happens? I really hope so and I wonder how much more of this I have to get through before I can forget about it?

And full circle back to the question - what is my worth? How do I measure it - now and in the future? Where are the reliable benchmarks?

I am worth a lot to my children, to my parents and that's about it. I have no friends who find me worthwhile to listen to, hence the blog! LOL

As a writer I suppose I have some worth to my employers but not really that much.

A friend of mine once said that a person leaving a job or a community makes about as much impact on the people or job left behind as a fist in a bucket of water. So, I guess that while I'm in here I'm making a bit of an impact but when I pull away it will be like I was never here.

Another friend once said that I should put myself at the centre of the circles that I place the most value on, or something like that.

Maybe there is a clue in that. If I value something maybe I can find a measure of my own worth in that.

Oh my, maybe I don't even want to go there.

The ostrich is my totem animal and one of these nights I will go to sleep at a decent hour!

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