Â§hria's Spot

Okay, this is really stupid.

I am obviously depressed and have been for a while. Time to do something about it.

What's wrong?

I am lonely -- how I can be lonely in this busy life of mine, I don't know, but I am. I miss having someone to talk to once in a while, someone who knows and cares about me, about what ever happens to be going on in my life. I miss being touched. I miss resting my head on someone's shoulder and feeling arms around me. I miss intimacy in all its wonderful forms.

What can I do about it?

Uh... suggestions?

Some of my guy friends have told me that, although they think I'm attractive in some way, they are not attracted to me. Most just refuse to talk about that issue all together rather than tell me how repulsive I am. The ones who will talk about it say I am too negative about relationships and can be a little intimidating. I get the negative thing, but me intimidating?! Huh?

The reality is that if you put me in a room full of eager, eligible bachelors and told them I was the last available woman in Northern Ontario the only thing I would walk out with would be a bill for the drinks but they would all feel really good about themselves.

Then there is him. The one I really want to be with. He is indifferent to me so I feel worthless. Even if he hated me or something, at least I could have something to get mad at and feel a little fight left in me. Instead I'm just sinking lower and fading away.

So, I guess the problems are with my self image and my unwillingness to let go of something that was never there.

Again, what can I do about it?

Self-medicating with over-work and chocolate isn't effective. Its just preventing me from losing the weight I need to lose and giving me a perfect excuse not to meet people or pursue a possible relationship with anyone. I see no way to alleviate my loneliness.

I'm getting dizzy from going in circles here.

Looks like I'll have to get used to life alone and find other things to fulfill me in different ways.

Back to work.