Beaver boobsDid you know that beavers’ teeth grow throughout their lifetime? My boobs are like beaver’s teeth.
Okay, so what kind of a chick blog would this be if I didn’t have a chat about my boobs some time? So here it is.
It’s no secret that I’m not very happy about the way I look. I mean, I get that I’m not very attractive and can live with it but recently I had a revelation.
Much of my body image problems come from my point of view. Even if I had a sexy flat tummy, nice tight buns and lean yummy thighs I’d never really see them. I have these freakishly huge boobs that are like twin obnoxious aliens flopping and blobbing around in the way all the time.
Since I was about 15 I remember wishing they would just fall off. I’ve always been self-conscious and uncomfortable with them.
Then there are the times I’ve gotten stupid and followed fashion advice from supposedly well-meaning ‘friends’.
“When you’ve got it flaunt it… You may as well use what you’ve got… bla bla bla”
So, there I went, out to the bars with my boobs out there in front of me, getting everywhere before me and totally in the way. Utterly embarrassing. I mean, the goal was to be attractive, not to disappear behind two grotesque bags of flesh. If I ever get that stupid again, I hope someone will remind me of this blog entry.
You may be wondering why haven’t I had them hacked off? There have usually been two reasons, now there is a third.
Money. It costs a lot to have that operation done and even if I could get OHIP to cover some of it, my kids need stuff first.
A man. When I got married my husband was adamant about it. He said he didn’t want me to mutilate my body and would be disgusted if I did so.
Now – why bother? It’s just too late. I’m old, past my prime and out of time. No more sexy left in me, why bother to even try to feel better about the way I look. I’ve missed the love boat, why bother shopping for a new personal floatation device?
So why am I wondering about this now and what’s with the beaver boobs? Last night, when I let loose the girls from their usual confinement, I noticed they were more squished than usual. The stupid freaky aliens are growing again!
I can’t buy bras any more and it sucks big time. The last bra I bought was the last of its kind. I finally found one that fits and is not a granny bra that goes up to my neck in the front and they stopped making them. Now I’m even further from normal.
The bra that is too small is a 38 DDD. Apparently, I need a 38 DDDD… like a 38 G! Who makes those!? No one.Gods… I want to be free of this grotesque and squishy prison!
And don’t tell me to just lose weight. I have. Even when I weighed 110 pounds the freakish things didn’t go away. They didn’t even get any smaller. When I gain weight they grow. If I lose weight they stay the same.
Yes, they’re the amazing beaver boobs. They just keep growing and growing.
Next thing you know, they’ll sprout legs and start walking into rooms ahead of me.
Have you tried the Undercover Bureau? They can order just about anything (or they know where to get it), you might have to wait but at least you'll get your size and sis'ta I know size too.