Â§hria's Spot

Cookies

I feel your support and I thank you all for it.

Last night Michele managed to wake up and talk to me for a very short time. She sounds far away.

She said she went to the hospital for some procedures and it didn't go well.

Everything seems like a dream right now.

My kids have gone back to their dad's so I can work but that isn't going well either. I have to try to pull myself together for tonight.

I told people I would be there.

Okay, truth be told, I need to be there. I'm not sure why but I just feel like its a ritual I have to do.

There isn't likely to be anyone there who cares if I make it or not and part of the reason I have to go is to remind myself that they don't care and to just give it one more shot. One of those 'Life goes on' things.

It's a ritual.

Like sleeping with two pillows on my bed.

Like Michele and I hitting the mall before going out.

It's just something that is supposed to be done. Like a dog sitting for a reward. The thing is, sometimes you get a cookie, sometimes you don't. You just have to keep sitting on command in hopes that this will be the time you get a cookie.

Most times Michele and I went out there was a cookie of one sort or another involved. When we stayed in there were plenty of cookies. Even when James painted the furniture, even when Sparky died there were cookies.

If nothing else, there was another shared experience in our memory bank, more smiles, tears and sarcastic digs shared. Us against the world. Anyone who didn't care about us wasn't worth a second thought.

Soon it will be just me.

Memory of time shared is not the same as her voice on the phone when I really need to talk to someone. Her ring on my finger is not even a fraction of what I need from her. It is almost a betrayal of my desire for more time with her in this world at my side.

Maybe if I don't wear the jewelry, she will stay.

But that isn't fair, either. It's selfish and stupid. She is suffering so much and is almost ready to leave.

I'm putting the pillow in the closet right now.

If I go to Loplop tonight, I will go with no expectations. I will simply take things as they are, take some pictures, ask some questions and go home to my empty house with things as they are really supposed to be.

Yes, Joan, I agree. The love you give is the love you take.

I still love her and I want her to have peace. Her peace is more valuable to me than my own.

I still love him and I want him to be happy. His happiness is more valuable to me than my own.

Neither her peace nor his happiness lies with me.

Are there any cookies in the jar for me?