Why is this birthday crap bugging me so much? I mean, it's just a number. It's just another date on a calendar. It really shouldn't have any significance at all.
But it does. Maybe I'm not very comfortable with where I am and my birthday has always been a sort of day to measure benchmarks. It's a day to check on my progress in life and chart new directions.
I'm getting old. I have nothing concrete to show for my time on this earth and little in the way of accomplishments.
What am I now and how do I rate?
I have been devoting most of my time to work and liking that but other areas of my life have suffered. It would have been nice to find a partner in this life and invest some of my efforts in a future with someone who loves me for who I am more than for what I can do for him. Now I believe it is too late for that.
Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
I'm only happy when it rainsI'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
And why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains
I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)
Pour your misery down
You can keep me company
As long as you don't care
I'm only happy when it rains
You wanna hear about my new obsession?
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains (Pour some misery down on me).
Nobody loves you
Watching the days slip by so fast
Knowing our fate has long been cast
Working our fingers to the bone
Cause nobody loves you when you're gone, gone, gone, gone
Coughing up feeling just for you
To find something real to hold on to
But there is a hole inside my heart
Where all of my love comes pouring out
You know you'll always be my man
But grab yourself sweetness where you can
Cause sooner or later we're gonna die
Left to the dogs under the sky
I cracked a piece of broken glass
I cracked a piece of broken glass
Coughing up feeling just for you
To find something real to hold on to
But there is a hole inside my heart
Where waves of my love come tumbling out
You say that all the good is gone
That I have forgotten who I am
Free as a bird
Wild as the wind
But somehow I cannot let you in
My anthems for today. And my questions for today, does he know he's the one I'm coughing up feeling about? Does he know he is the reason I cannot let anyone in?
Two words will make my day wonderful on Thursday. Just a simple 'happy birthday' from him... by email, by phone call, by telepathic communication. Yeah, I know it won't happen so I'm off to buy some vodka and get stinking drunk with my computer that night. The day should be cool with a dentist's appointment and three assignments to do. Then there will be a family dinner at my mom's which should be actual fun. But the night time belongs to me, my vodka and my computer.
There are plenty of good people I will avoid inflicting my sorry ass on this coming weekend. Don't expect to see me at anything but work for a while.